HOW TO DEAL WITH THE NEGATIVE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD

You wouldn’t know it by looking at my Instagram feed, but sometimes I move through the world like I’m moving through a minefield: hyper-vigilant, sweaty with fear, and certain I’m about to be blown to bits at any moment.

I’m not kidding. I’ve got a whole world of weirdness inside of me that neither the Sierra or Hefe filters can improve.

As the result of my minefield-mindset, I tend to hold back – in relationships, pursuing my dreams, developing my gifts, giving generously, serving others.

Instead, my energy drifts toward daydreaming about my goals, avoiding intimacy, and pretending to be ok when I’m not.

How did I get this way?

How did I grow up into someone that often walks around with fists at the ready, eyes all squinty with suspicion, neck all tweaked from constant swiveling?

It’s a long story, but here’s the Cliff’s Notes:

A long time ago, I caught the sound of a small voice in a tiny corner of my mind. It made weird little squawks and, at first, I could ignore it as easily as I could attend to it.

But over the years I increasingly gave more of my attention to the voice in the corner.

As I got older, the voice got louder and more articulate. It started to make really convincing arguments about why I was unworthy of love and how I didn’t fit in like the rest of the kids. It provided endless evidence that I was fat and smelly and unable to talk to girls.

Eventually, the voice in the corner came to sound like TRUTH, like the only voice that could really be trusted. And for much of my life, I’ve let that voice boss me around.

The problem is, when we give our attention to the lies in our head, reality gets twisted. The reality of who we are, of how the world works, of who God is and how he feels about us. It all gets messed up.

At least it did for me.

But at some point – through therapy, prayer, reading, writing, small grouping, listening – a spotlight came on and lit up the voice the voice in the corner.

And it turns out the voice that sounded so massive and terrifying…is actually the size of a Malibu Ken doll.

Don’t get me wrong – Malibu Ken can be terrifying. That blank, drug-induced stare. That “neither male nor female” body.

But my point is, what felt bigger and stronger than me could actually be knocked over on to his smug little face with just the flick of a finger.

Are there whiny little plastic lies that have bullied you for a while? Maybe for years?

Here’s a secret: you don’t have to agree with those lies anymore.

You can “break agreement” with those lies. You can shine a spotlight on them. You can name them, deal with them, then punt them to the curb.

Then you can point and laugh at Malibu Ken and his crack-less butt, and get on with your life.

Because the truth is you were set free to live free. To enjoy freedom and share it with others. Not to crawl on the ground, praying you don’t trip a mine and piss off God. He’s not that kind of God, and he doesn’t want you to be that kind of person.

Remember, a condemning voice is a lying voice.

So stand up with me, shake off the dirt, and take a good hard look at whatever lie is tormenting you.

Do you believe you’re unworthy? That your past will always define you? That you’ll never get free of that bad habit or addiction? That you don’t deserve deep friendships or satisfying work? That God isn’t real, or worse, that he is real but he’s really grumpy and judgmental?

Say this – out loud if you need to – every time MK speaks up:

I break agreement with the lie that I (I’m) _____________. I refuse to listen to you anymore. Suck it, Malibu Ken.

Then get back to work enjoying your freedom and living as a freedom-distribution channel for others.

10 Words That Might Change Your Life…SERIOUSLY

One day I was sitting in a coffeehouse with my friend Scott. I was pouring my heart out to him over a vanilla latte with whip because that’s about as masculine as my coffee ever gets.

I was telling Scott how it felt like all of the pain I’d ever experienced in life had coalesced into a giant sneaker-wave that grabbed me by the throat and was now pulling me out to sea.

Some of the pain had just “happened” to me because I – like you – live in a broken world and life’s not fair.

But to be honest, most of the pain was self-inflicted. The result of refusing to delay gratification, avoiding hard work because I felt “I shouldn’t have to do it”, and fear. Lots and lots of fear.

By not dealing with the bumps, bruises, and gashes that came along with being human, I slowly became a hoarder of pain. I felt like one of those people who fill their house with so much junk they end up on a reality show, ashamed and lonely.

Because that’s the thing about pain we haven’t dealt with: the more of it we have in our lives, the less room there is for anyone else.

Scott knew all that about me. He knew the chaos I was living in. He also knew I didn’t have to keep hoarding all that pain.

Scott had had built trust with me by first sharing his messes, his failures, and his doubts. So I knew he could handle my “stuff”2 and that I wasn’t crazy for having stuff in the first place.

So after patiently listening to me lament for about 45 minutes, Scott said ten words that changed my life. He said, “Jesse…

…it’s time to be a good steward of your pain.”

In other words, it’s time to turn and face the pain you’ve chosen and the pain that just “happened” to you. It’s time to own it, deal with it, and move past it. For your sake, and for the sake of a world that needs healing, too.

“Your life no longer has to be defined by your pain.”

So with help from others – good friends, a good therapist, even some good meds – I started picking up all the junk, sorting it out, and throwing it away. I started learning to be a good steward of my pain.

And in the process, I learned my healing could become healing for others.

So can yours.

So imagine you and I are sitting at a coffeehouse together. Knowing I want you to thrive, to get more and more free to be God’s best version of you, let me offer this:

You don’t have to keep living in all that filth. Shame and isolation do not have to be your predominant experience.

You have full permission to get started RIGHT NOW. 

How To Stop Worrying So Much

A Little Trick To Experiencing More Peace

(photo by Tim Gouw)

I’m really good at worrying. And I was even better at it when I was a kid. I used to imagine the worst about everything.

If my parents left the house, I knew they weren’t coming back. Either because they would die in a horrible car vs. bus vs. airplane accident. Or they’d simply change their mind about being my parents and head down to Mexico for a few decades.

I was convinced the most awful things lived right outside my door, or under my bed, or in my body. So I worried.

By the time I was 16 I had an ulcer. The doctor said I had a highly acidic stomach, likely due to anxiety. I was concerned to hear that.

As a follower of Jesus, I heard early on that I should not “be anxious for anything”. And that “with prayer and petition”, all I had to do was present my requests to God, and everything would be okay.

So I prayed A LOT over the things I worried about. And soon my prayers were just another way of worrying. Anxiety dominated my prayer life which meant I was probably missing the point.

This pattern continued throughout my 20s and most of my 30s until one day my therapist said something that clicked with me:

“If it’s not happening now, it’s not happening.”

By that she meant, if I wasn’t currently surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves, quicksand up to my chin, the red dot of a sniper’s laser-sight hovering on my forehead…then I wasn’t. Period.

I was worried she had a good point.

So I stopped worrying about things so much. Not because I should. Not because I finally found inner peace. But just because if it wasn’t happening NOW, then it just wasn’t happening. And the truth is, it was never happening. Very few snipers ever took a shot at me (to my knowledge).

I know you worry a lot, too. You worry about your finances. You stress about your kids – the ones you have, the ones you’d like to have, the ones you wish would FINALLY leave.

You worry about what people think of you. And what to wear to parties or work or school or church. You worry that you’ll never amount to anything or that you’ve missed the boat on your divine purpose. You worry about identity and getting carjacked and whether you’re eating too much sugar (you are).

I’m with you, sisters and brothers. I get it.

But if it’s not happening RIGHT NOW, IN THIS MOMENT, then it’s not happening.

That’s why I want to give you a gift today. The gift is called…

PERMISSION TO QUIT WORRYING ABOUT IT.

Sometimes we think we can’t stop worrying about a thing because, if we do, the terrible thing will DEFINITELY HAPPEN. We assume our constant vigilance is required.

But you know what? That’s a lie. A big fat lie with bad breath.

Your vigilance is no longer required. It never really was. What IS needed is your willingness to keep moving, keep creating, keep hoping, keep giving, keep loving.

What IS needed is to constantly take your eyes off the waves and put them on the one who can walk on the waves.

So please accept this gift: PERMISSION TO QUIT WORRYING ABOUT IT.

I even created the graphic below to help you remember. Because I’m all artsy like that.

Just click on the image, save it to your desktop and print it out. Then stick it on your bedroom wall or your bathroom mirror or above your desk.

Yes, I’m worried it looks a little cheesy (it probably does). But whatever. I hope you like it anyway. Click the graphic to download it now! Before it’s too late and something terrible happens!! Snipers!!!

permission-to-quit